Daft

The online dating service seems to be getting more active again. I wonder if they are offering a special this month like 'June is for Lovers' or 'Get an Early Start on Summer Love'. Maybe this month is free. Who knows? But I have gotten some requests for information, little icebreakers and multiple-choice questions from some men. Do I want to meet a guy from Las Vegas? (He ballroom dances....) Do I want to date a 66-year-old truck driver from the valley? (You know, the place where they acquitted the officers who beat Rodney King...) Do I want to answer questions from a dude who looks like he used to be a chick? Do I want to date a 74-year-old from the northern part of the state, a mere 5-hour drive from here?

Then there was Wednesday evening. We went to a comedy night fundraiser. It was inexpensive, thankfully, and the comics were great. One in particular used to be a kindergarten teacher in Nebraska and told some great kindergarten stories. It was as if I were up there. He said so much of what I experience in the classroom. And he was the best one there. We were howling. But then he started in on jokes about his 90-year-old mother. It was too perfect! After the show he came over to talk to me. He was hitting on me; I knew it. But I was a moron! He wanted to connect. He wanted to get to know me. And what did I do? I don't remember, but I blew it. I just let a really fun opportunity go. I dropped the proverbial ball. And so for the past two days I've been thinking of all the things I could have said to make it happen. I could have said, "Wow! We were talking and we think you'd fit right in at our house". OR when he said, "I want to connect with more teachers like you." I could have said, "I think that's a great idea. I'm right across the street. Come on over during school some day and you can get loads of material in my classroom." But no, I dropped the ball. I told him how much I had enjoyed his stand-up and how much we had in common. He had to ask me my name. I'm a dolt. Blew it. A guy I think I could have a great time with and I blew it. Lord have mercy on me and my ineptitude.

It's been a while

It's been a while since my brief foray into dating. I have been contacted by a couple of men on the online dating site but haven't answered. I see that men who contact me seem to be a lot older than I am. At first, it seemed extremely creepy. I have gotten more comfortable with the idea. I believe men my age are looking for women much younger.

This weekend my daughter's boyfriend's grandmother suggested I date her son. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea since my daughter and his son were likely to get married and, if our 'dating' didn't work out, it would make for a lifetime of awkward family get-togethers. She eventually got that, and also discovered I am seven years older than her son.

The next day she told me she has a friend she'd like to fix me up with. He's healthy, wealthy, fun, adventurous and loves to travel. But he went to high school with her first husband. That puts him in the mid-seventies. She'll give him my number. We'll see how it goes.

Kyle said he heard the guy's a tightwad. That part won't work at all. I'm the only one who gets to be a tightwad right now. I have good reason. I don't have money.

May 15

Am I ready to start kissing frogs again? I've gotten some messages from men on the online dating service over the past months. I've hit the 'delete' key. But over the past couple of days I've felt slightly like responding instead of deleting. Today I answered a couple.

I am once again thinking I just want to date and not get serious. Am I ready to handle it if I meet someone and he never contacts me again? I worry about whether or not I have the strength to pursue dating but then I forget that I also need to be strong enough to handle what may look like rejection.

Can I do it?

Thought I Was Off the Radar

As time has gone by, I have become more and more sure of my decision to step away from dating for a while. I will reenter the arena later as a sixty-year-old, I will change my age on my profile so I won't be lying about it anymore, and I (hopefully) will have unlocked my emotions. I had forgotten how much I liked not having a man in my life in a romantic capacity.

I purchased a six-month membership to the online dating service, and continue to receive new 'matches' daily. I look, I ponder, I delete. I am not really intrigued by any of them. This is now leading me to understand that my criteria for choosing men have got to change. I don't disagree with my former 'deal-breakers': no gamblers, no one under 5'8", no renters, no non-Christians, no one 'between jobs'. The handsome one was 'between jobs' but he was okay because he was not in financial straits and had many viable job prospects. He was, for that reason though, sort of 'iffy'. Some men look like possibilities and I let their 'matches' go without deleting them. I figure if these particular guys contact me, I'll write back. When men I don't feel intrigued with contact me, I just don't answer. As for the criteria, I don't know what they'll be. I'll have to read profiles carefully and decide what it is in the writing, in the choice of stock answers and what's important to them, that I will have to use to decide whether or not a man is going to be worth a date. I can't go by looks anymore.

I forgot though, that there was another 'match' who already had my phone number but thought that since I had ignored his last message that maybe he wouldn't call again. He called again. I talked with him but my week was all booked up tight. He said he was a pilot in his profile, and I have found out that is technically true. But he doesn't fly now. As a matter of fact, he teaches flying and is temporarily grounded for health reasons. What could those reasons be? I put my money on an angioplasty. He'll call again. Maybe I'll meet with him to try out the new approach: show up for the first meeting in a dress and make it a coffee date only. After all, this online dating experience is supposed to be more for me to learn how to date again than it is for me to find another 'Mr. Right'. If I meet 'Mr. Right', great. If I don't, I don't.

Let's Overanalyze

Here we go. Just a plain old post revealing all of my insecurities. Let's overanalyze what has happened on my two dates:

When I met the handsome one I showed up in my biking clothes and on my bike. But maybe I wasn't playing the game right. Maybe I was supposed to show up all primped AS IF I MIGHT go for a bike ride and then maybe the date would have really been a walk on the pier and a cup of coffee. As I approached him, there was a look. He said something kind about me being all decked out in bike riding clothes. Although he is definitely an experienced dater and can hide his reactions, I think there was a point there where he was giving me some kind of test and I wasn't passing. As well as having a dress shirt on and tucked in, his hair was such that I thought it would never move, no matter how windy it got. Another thing that happened was he said the only woman the online dating service had given him in his area turned out to be very old, about ten years older than the photo she had posted, and he was very disappointed with her. I said something about how I had tried to choose pictures that weren't deceptive but that I had had trouble finding pictures of me by myself. He made some strange sound but didn't really say words, and that made me feel like there was maybe something in my photos that was misleading. I have looked at the pictures again and am wondering. I am very photogenic, and this is maybe something that is working against me now. If I look great in pictures but not so good in person, then men are going to expect something more gorgeous than they get. Am I overanalyzing?

Then there's the emotional piece: I am still emotionally locked up. Can I change this? Am I not ready? Do I send off that 'I'm-really-not-ready' vibe? When my first marriage was falling apart I unknwoingly sent out the 'I'm-not-happy-in-my-marriage' vibe, men starting asking me out, and I was surprised. Why were these men suddenly asking me out? I was married. I was sending some kind of message and I didn't even realize it. Did I send the other message when I was on my two dates?

I think the men I am being matched with might also be getting matched with women in their forties. I believe that puts me at a distinct disadvantage. I don't have any problem with other women in their fifties but don't feel I'm a match for women over ten years younger than I. If this is true, what do I do? I can change myself but not others. How can I change myself if I am to return to this type of dating and then be thrown in the mix with women in their forties?

I will take some more time off from online dating to try to figure out the nuances of this new style of courting. And maybe in a month or so...or so....or so...I will be ready to try again. In the meantime I will try to prepare as best I can. My online-dating maven friend told me a couple of things: 1)There's some fine print on the agreement for the online dating service that says your divorce has to be final before you join them. Oooops. 2)Whoever I end up with, whoever is 'right' for me, won't care about how old I am.

You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find Mr. Right but right now I'm feeling like a bit of a toad.

Not Ready?

As the last two weeks have gone by I have had no interest in pursuing this online dating thing. Since February 27 I have gone out with two men and neither has contacted me again. I have wondered if that meant they didn't enjoy my company. I'm not sure. A third man and I got to the point of talking on the phone. I didn't have a great vibe from him and was thinking that I would be forcing myself if I attempted to meet him. He called when I was with high school friends and I didn't answer. He left a message. I never called back. I'm not really sure if the handsome one really found a match on his date after mine but he had been quite candid with me and I think he's honest. I feel certain, though, that most of the other women out there are looking for something more intimate and more immediate than I. When I look at my friend who is so active on online dating, I see how she puts herself out there talking, flirting and laughing. I don't put that much into it. This, in short, means that there is competition out there and if I want to date or meet new men I had better get myself in gear. I can't change what they bring to the 'date' but I can examine and change my own behavior.

Getting myself in gear might be the problem. I have discovered that I can't force myself to date if my innerself (for lack of a better term) isn't ready. My two dates have been half-hearted but by no means rude or unpleasant. I haven't been cold. But I have walls around me. I explained this to my therapist this week. I told her how the bike riding is safe. We ride side-by-side and talk all the time but my bike creates this bubble of space for me, and I exist in that bubble as if I am sitting and talking on the phone. I make eye contact. I smile. But I feel like I am trapped inside. I can't reach out. I am locked up and can't get free. I told my therapist I was wondering if maybe I'm not ready yet to do this dating thing. She said, You're not ready." Stamp of approval. What do I do now?

Am I Ready?

I spoke with the pilot. The sound of his voice somehow didn't give me a warm feeling. It gave me kind of a feeling like he was old and dull. Ah, but we're the same age. While we were talking I got called by the kids to go extreme bowling and I had to hang up. The next night he called but I was with friends from high school so I didn't answer. He left a message. I didn't call back. I've lost my nerve. What is going on in the back of my mind now? This reminds me a bit of high school, when I would be between boyfriends, (and hence the name for this blog). It was like kissing frogs until I would find the next person to be my boyfriend. And then, once I found someone, it would be the difference between night and day. Suddenly all the discomfort of having gone out with guys who were bad fits would vanish, and relief would wash over me. The pilot felt like he was going to be one of the bad fits, and I am not up for it.

Moving On

The handsome one was a disappointment but a nice guy. I should have figured when I saw him in a button-down shirt tucked into his pants that this guy didn't understand the meaning of 'bike ride'. For him it was merely a 'vehicle' for getting together, a premise for a 'date'. For me it was a safe and enjoyable way to see if a guy and I had any potential chemistry. After speaking to my dating-maven friend, I have realized that my first meetings need to be at Starbucks where I can wear a cute little sundress and make a pretty first impression. Too bad I didn't realize that before I went out with the handsome one.

Back to the handsome one: He was only three years older than I but there was something there that felt like he was from a different generation. It's good to spend time reflecting on this because, in the moment, I didn't have time to analyze my thoughts. I kept getting this strange feeling that he was a lot older than I. Three years in my high school experience was the difference between the Big Bopper and Jefferson Starship. It was the change from angora sweaters and beehive hairdos to tie-dyed tee-shirts and hippiedom. Yep, three years age differenc and we were from different generations. Not to mention that he was from Pittsburgh and I was from the San Francisco area. Worlds apart.

Moving on, I felt dead in the water. I needed to start over. Back to the drawing board, as my mother would say. I started looking at the online dating matches again. I was contacted by two men this week. One was an initial blurb. Hmmm....I thought I had already 'blurbed' this one. Why are we back to blurbing again? Does he not remember that I've answered his blurb before? But he looks like he's a lot of fun and I am somewhat interested in meeting him. He's a teacher and went into teaching rather late in life. He actually looks silly. I like silly. Sort of.

The other contact was an 'iffy' one, one I had considered not answering at all. Ah, but I need practice. I will practice even though I'm not attracted to this one. Plus he's a pilot and that might be interesting as long as he doesn't take me glider riding under a hot canopy like Bill did. Wow! I almost didn't make it to the sickness bag that day. The lesson learned there was definitely not to eat an avocado sandwich on the runway.

Dear John

The date on Saturday seemed to be a good 'get-to-know-you' one for me. It was about my speed. He was the good-looking one. I have been prepared to mess up my first number of dates and I didn't know if I wanted to try this good-looking guy so soon. It goes with the territory of someone who hasn't dated in twenty-three years and wasn't good at it twenty-three years ago. I could underimpress a date then, and I think I still have the knack for it now, too. There is much for me to learn. I decided that one of the things I would start doing was write a little thank you after I met someone. So on Sunday I remembered to do that for my Saturday guy. I was okay to move ahead with him at my snail's pace. Unfortunately, this guy was ready to get into a relationship and found that relationship in the woman he dated on Saturday evening. This morning I got a reply. He basically said that he had enjoyed meeting me but that he had had a better connection with the woman that evening, that they had gotten together on Sunday, that they are going to have a relationship, and would I please delete him from my matches. Ouch, a little.

Reflection: I don't warm up fast. I'm not ready for a relationship and I don't try very hard to win over a guy when we go out. I'm out there trying to figure out how to date. This is school to me. Dating is NOT like riding a bike. There's a new set of skills involved now, not only because of my age but because of the computer age and how its revolutionized dating.

Question: Will I change this---or develop some dating skills--- when, and IF, I decide I want to enter into a relationship with someone?

Reflection: I have walls up. I am cautious.

Question: This is a necessary thing for me right now. I am not ready to jump into a relationship. Is this a good thing? And more importantly, do I have control over this?

Reflection: Even the handsome one on Saturday didn't start to light my fire. He looked old to me.

Question: Do they not light my fire because I think they look old? Do I look old to them?

Question: When will someone look physically interesting to me?

Reality Check: I am much older than I was the last time I dated. I am old. Naked bodies are going to look strange. Will I ever get naked with anyone again? Will how they look matter? Can I remember what it's like to fall in love and be crazy over a guy and not care about the physical details? Neither one of my husbands had particularly hot bodies. They weren't gross by any means but they weren't hunks either and I sure enjoyed their bodies. Should I care about any of this right now?

Date #2

Saturday afternoon brought date #2. We also went for a bike ride. I guess I made it pretty clear in my dating profile that I like to go bike riding down at the beach. This one met me at the pier. He didn't have a bike with him; he doesn't have a rack on his car. He is 62, younger than my last husband by a few years, but much older than any first date I've ever had. He was handsome, in a sixty-two-year-old kind of way: tall, plenty of salt and pepper hair, good teeth, could walk by himself, didn't wear glasses. (I'm laughing so hard right now. I crack myself up.)

He rented a bike and we rode north. He didn't adjust his seat so he was shorter than I. Again, he was a good talker. He asked meaningful questions and listened to my answers. I thought about what moment I would take to tell him I had lied about my age on the profile. That moment never came for me. Why would I, a woman who tells her five-year-old students her age, suddenly be ashamed of it? This must be a part of me that's insecure. I am afraid of being written off by prospective beaus as being too old. I'm too energetic for the general pool of sixty-year-old males. I am still in a quandary.

We rode to the north end of the bike path and stopped for some water. We sat on the retaining wall in the sun, looked out at the waves and talked some more. Then he said, "I have some bad news. Over a week ago I made a date with another woman on the dating site and forgot about it." Actually I can't remember what he really said about when he made the date or what part of it he did or did not forget. The gist of it was that he had made a date with someone two hours north of here and was going to need to get back on the road in about an hour. I was really ok with that.

It was a pleasant afternoon. I enjoyed his company and he has a good mind. I don't have any read on what kind of person he is. He believes in God, regularly attends his local Catholic church, never questioned his faith, is well-traveled, owns his own home, has just phased out of one part of his professional life and is looking forward to what he'll do next. He just got back from a big trip halfway around the world. His former boss took him and some other former executives, and that boss wants him to help start up a new company with him in China. In the meantime, he is dong a major remodel on his home. He's interesting and smart and I could get along with him really well. Just as soon as I tell him how old I really am.

First Date

Sunday was the day I finally went on my first 'date' in twenty-three years. I had worked hard to psych myself up for it. I wasn't going to be nervous, I wasn't going to stress over whether or not there was 'chemistry' or whether or not there was going to be physical contact. I remember that in college I was almost freaky about being touched. I didn't like it. I had some real boundaries around my body. I always have.

We met on the bridge over the creek at the beach. He was there ahead of me. He looked just as I had expected him to look. He was open and friendly. He talked a lot. There were no awkward silences. We rode down to my favorite place and had lunch. He's a very serious bike rider. He rides to work, puts his bike on the train, takes big rides all around the entire metropolitan area. He rides a mountain bike and doesn't wear much biking gear. He sometimes doesn't wear his helmet. I hope he does when he's riding the streets. I can understand how he can not wear it on the beach bike path.

He has been divorced for many years and lives next to his two children, his ex and her new husband. He relocated from another part of the country to be near them. He is very attached to them and is just beginning to pursue dating. So, despite having been divorced for a long time, I think he's new at this dating thing too.

I enjoyed myself. I'm a good listener and I usually remember what people tell me. It was a very beautiful and pleasant afternoon. The weather was perfect. We parted by the airport and hugged. I thanked him for having the courage to be my first date in twenty-three years, that I had enjoyed myself, and that I hoped we could do it again. And when I got home I didn't cry. I didn't have even the urge to cry.

I think I'm gonna be okay in some of this dating.

Almost a First Date

So with four steps accomplished, the inevitable is next: meet up and see if you 'click'.

In my four steps, the third one is the best. It's the one where you answer open-ended questions. I write my questions rather than choose them from the list provided by the dating service. The deal-breaker question I ask is this: "I haven't been on a date in twenty-three years. How do you feel about that?" One person wrote a great answer. He said," I don't know that you'd be any less uncomfortable on your first date than I have been on the last one hundred dates." I think I understand what he's saying.

Tomorrow is my first face-to-face with a match. This person seems nice. We've had a couple of emails and a ten-minute phone conversation. He just meets the minimum height requirement and is about my age. Of course he thinks we're close in age, and we are, but I haven't told him how old I really am.

I thought that my first couple of match meetings would be things I'd blow. I am prepared to blow this one. I don't have the confidence to think I could walk into my first dating situation and do a good job. It defies the odds.

Four Steps

For the first three weeks, all I did was stare at the names and photos of my 'matches'. The first batches met my requirements. They were all Christian and they all lived within 30 miles or so of me. As more time went by, the matches started breaking my minimum requirements. My matches were starting to become quite geographically undesirable. Some of them lived over 120 miles away. I'm not THAT interested in finding a date.

Finally, on the fourth week, I responded to someone. He didn't want to re-enroll in the dating service and had sent me his personal email address during the first week. Then I threw out some of the first of the four steps to some of the others. Answer 5 multiple choice questions, send my 'must have's and can't stands', send three open-ended questions, and finally step #4: send an email. Finally, and I'm not there yet, talk on the phone. Right now I am on the fourth step with one guy and the third with two others.

There are some prospective dates from whom I have not received an answer. Maybe they triaged me out. I'll survive. I have a lot to learn about dating. The dating I did in college was vastly different. And back then, all I ever worried about was getting pregnant.

Minimum Requirements

Well, I signed up with the online dating service,did the copious amounts of answering before I was considered 'finished'. The 'matches' started coming fast and furious. There were twenty-something the first day and the number grew to over 70 in time. My friend, J, said the additional 'matches' were from men who were signing up as time went by.

Then I started sifting through the pile. I had fibbed about my age because I look a lot younger than I am. And I remembered from my high school reunion that a lot of the guys looked pretty bad, pretty old. Five people were using canes and one looked like Santa Claus. After lying about my age, I tried to go back into my profile to change it but I couldn't. Despite that, I am not interested in dating someone close to ten years younger than I am. So I decided on an age limit. I won't go out with anyone who is more than 7 years younger than I or more than 8 years older. That's a decent age spread. The online dating service, however, was matching me with men who are 17 years older than I said I am. Wow! That's like grandma and grandpa.

The other requirement I have is for height. They cannot be less than two inches taller than I. I don't really wear heels but I don't want to date anyone who might possibly have a short-man's complex. 5'8" is my absolute shortest.

There are some other requirements. I won't know the answers to some of these until we meet. They are: job, security, connection to exes, and overall financial stability. It is imperative that whoever it is can support himself, pay his own bills, and have his own retirement funds. I don't want renters either.

The type of work they do is also important. I don't want any Amway salesmen or realtors. I'm not thrilled about insurance salesmen either.

Then there are sports. I am limited in my athletic abilities, I don't care for winter sports, and I get terribly seasick. I also refuse to play any sports where I have to chase little balls. That cuts out: skiing, sailing, tennis, golf, and sailing/boating. Now I'm limiting myself but I can't help it. I'm also allergic to cats. And then there's NASCAR. Don't make me sit in bleachers and watch cars going around and around and around while spewing horrible fumes into the air.

There are my minimum requirements. Here we go!

Signing Up

I signed up. I signed up online to go into the dating world. How safe is that? I feel very safe, safe enough to stare at profiles and photos, triage out certain guys and then write to others. Or just walk away from the computer. This type of dating works for me. So far.

The actual signing up took a long time. I had to fill out all kinds of questions about myself, my wants, my personality, my dislikes, my 'must haves' and so on. There were times during this process when I felt like I didn't know myself at all. What do I like to do on a Saturday night? Choose A, B, B, or D. A: Go to the theater B: Go to a professional sporting event, C: Stay in and have a nice dinner with friends or D: watch TV or rent a movie for a romantic evening. Well, it depends on how I feel. I like all of the choices. Some days I'd prefer one over another. But some evenings I'm tired. Some evenings I'm feeling adventurous. It all depends.

And then I lied about my age. Wow! That's not like me. I even tell my students how old I am. But this time I got chicken. I contacted my online-dating maven friend. She fibs about her age by two years. I fibbed by five. I told her; she was skeptical. Five was too much. A week later I decided I wanted to change the age and be honest. Apparently the site doesn't allow for that kind of a change. So, I am still on there five years younger than I really am.

What is the number one quality I look for in a mate? How do I answer that? I used to think it was intelligence. Then I thought it was a good sense of humor. When I got together with my college roommate last fall, our conversation helped me realize that all my college boyfriends were cute. That is a hidden deal-breaker for me. They have to be decent looking. Then I thought maybe it was honesty. Then integrity. What's the truth? The truth is that it's a combination of many things. But I did put down that I would date absolutely no gamblers.

But before I could be activated on the website, I had to post some pictures of myself. I had a difficult time finding pictures of me alone. I came up with three. I posted them. The one that pops up as my profile is okay but I don't have any make-up on. It's what gives them their first impression. I must find better!

After All These Years

Oddly enough, it's been over 23 years since I last had a date. The last time I was single, I basically dated only the man who became my second husband. I had about six other dates during that time. I had somewhat serious dates with two other men. They never became anything that I thought would last. Plus, I was in love with Bill. I thought he was the love of my life.

Now we are getting a divorce. We should have ended the marriage many years earlier but we had a daughter and I wanted her to be raised in the stability of a two-parent home. Having two parents in the home, in my opinion, provides a feeling of security, especially if there is no palpable tension between the parents. And I still loved Bill. We had some good things going for us.

But a few years ago, thinking that my father was going to pass away soon, we moved him into our home. He was weak, suffered from congestive heart failure and had a raging infection that had made him temporarily delirious. He was clearly incapable of living by himself, and the care he would require in an assisted living facility was prohibitive. We emptied his two homes, had an estate of many of his possessions, sold his car, got a caregiver for him.

Then Bill was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He had already been diagnosed with coronary heart disease and had had a triple bypass, he had bipolar disorder, and late-onset diabetes. Ah, we thought, he's gonna go fast because this is a particularly deadly form of cancer.

A few months later he was jockeying to have my dad either removed from the house or pay us $6000 to continue living with us. Two days before our wedding anniversary he called to say that ----fyi and he didn't want to keep lying to me---- he was gambling, always had been, always would be, and that's just the way it was. Gambling had been a thorn in our marriage early on. I guessed it was coming back. Actually, I realized it had never gone away. That would explain where his social security was going. I asked for some security to hedge against any damage that might occur; he said there was no need. He didn't like my suggestion that we get a divorce on paper and he sign over the assets to me. We got divorced.

So now I am ready to date again after all these years.