Let's Overanalyze

Here we go. Just a plain old post revealing all of my insecurities. Let's overanalyze what has happened on my two dates:

When I met the handsome one I showed up in my biking clothes and on my bike. But maybe I wasn't playing the game right. Maybe I was supposed to show up all primped AS IF I MIGHT go for a bike ride and then maybe the date would have really been a walk on the pier and a cup of coffee. As I approached him, there was a look. He said something kind about me being all decked out in bike riding clothes. Although he is definitely an experienced dater and can hide his reactions, I think there was a point there where he was giving me some kind of test and I wasn't passing. As well as having a dress shirt on and tucked in, his hair was such that I thought it would never move, no matter how windy it got. Another thing that happened was he said the only woman the online dating service had given him in his area turned out to be very old, about ten years older than the photo she had posted, and he was very disappointed with her. I said something about how I had tried to choose pictures that weren't deceptive but that I had had trouble finding pictures of me by myself. He made some strange sound but didn't really say words, and that made me feel like there was maybe something in my photos that was misleading. I have looked at the pictures again and am wondering. I am very photogenic, and this is maybe something that is working against me now. If I look great in pictures but not so good in person, then men are going to expect something more gorgeous than they get. Am I overanalyzing?

Then there's the emotional piece: I am still emotionally locked up. Can I change this? Am I not ready? Do I send off that 'I'm-really-not-ready' vibe? When my first marriage was falling apart I unknwoingly sent out the 'I'm-not-happy-in-my-marriage' vibe, men starting asking me out, and I was surprised. Why were these men suddenly asking me out? I was married. I was sending some kind of message and I didn't even realize it. Did I send the other message when I was on my two dates?

I think the men I am being matched with might also be getting matched with women in their forties. I believe that puts me at a distinct disadvantage. I don't have any problem with other women in their fifties but don't feel I'm a match for women over ten years younger than I. If this is true, what do I do? I can change myself but not others. How can I change myself if I am to return to this type of dating and then be thrown in the mix with women in their forties?

I will take some more time off from online dating to try to figure out the nuances of this new style of courting. And maybe in a month or so...or so....or so...I will be ready to try again. In the meantime I will try to prepare as best I can. My online-dating maven friend told me a couple of things: 1)There's some fine print on the agreement for the online dating service that says your divorce has to be final before you join them. Oooops. 2)Whoever I end up with, whoever is 'right' for me, won't care about how old I am.

You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find Mr. Right but right now I'm feeling like a bit of a toad.

Not Ready?

As the last two weeks have gone by I have had no interest in pursuing this online dating thing. Since February 27 I have gone out with two men and neither has contacted me again. I have wondered if that meant they didn't enjoy my company. I'm not sure. A third man and I got to the point of talking on the phone. I didn't have a great vibe from him and was thinking that I would be forcing myself if I attempted to meet him. He called when I was with high school friends and I didn't answer. He left a message. I never called back. I'm not really sure if the handsome one really found a match on his date after mine but he had been quite candid with me and I think he's honest. I feel certain, though, that most of the other women out there are looking for something more intimate and more immediate than I. When I look at my friend who is so active on online dating, I see how she puts herself out there talking, flirting and laughing. I don't put that much into it. This, in short, means that there is competition out there and if I want to date or meet new men I had better get myself in gear. I can't change what they bring to the 'date' but I can examine and change my own behavior.

Getting myself in gear might be the problem. I have discovered that I can't force myself to date if my innerself (for lack of a better term) isn't ready. My two dates have been half-hearted but by no means rude or unpleasant. I haven't been cold. But I have walls around me. I explained this to my therapist this week. I told her how the bike riding is safe. We ride side-by-side and talk all the time but my bike creates this bubble of space for me, and I exist in that bubble as if I am sitting and talking on the phone. I make eye contact. I smile. But I feel like I am trapped inside. I can't reach out. I am locked up and can't get free. I told my therapist I was wondering if maybe I'm not ready yet to do this dating thing. She said, You're not ready." Stamp of approval. What do I do now?

Am I Ready?

I spoke with the pilot. The sound of his voice somehow didn't give me a warm feeling. It gave me kind of a feeling like he was old and dull. Ah, but we're the same age. While we were talking I got called by the kids to go extreme bowling and I had to hang up. The next night he called but I was with friends from high school so I didn't answer. He left a message. I didn't call back. I've lost my nerve. What is going on in the back of my mind now? This reminds me a bit of high school, when I would be between boyfriends, (and hence the name for this blog). It was like kissing frogs until I would find the next person to be my boyfriend. And then, once I found someone, it would be the difference between night and day. Suddenly all the discomfort of having gone out with guys who were bad fits would vanish, and relief would wash over me. The pilot felt like he was going to be one of the bad fits, and I am not up for it.

Moving On

The handsome one was a disappointment but a nice guy. I should have figured when I saw him in a button-down shirt tucked into his pants that this guy didn't understand the meaning of 'bike ride'. For him it was merely a 'vehicle' for getting together, a premise for a 'date'. For me it was a safe and enjoyable way to see if a guy and I had any potential chemistry. After speaking to my dating-maven friend, I have realized that my first meetings need to be at Starbucks where I can wear a cute little sundress and make a pretty first impression. Too bad I didn't realize that before I went out with the handsome one.

Back to the handsome one: He was only three years older than I but there was something there that felt like he was from a different generation. It's good to spend time reflecting on this because, in the moment, I didn't have time to analyze my thoughts. I kept getting this strange feeling that he was a lot older than I. Three years in my high school experience was the difference between the Big Bopper and Jefferson Starship. It was the change from angora sweaters and beehive hairdos to tie-dyed tee-shirts and hippiedom. Yep, three years age differenc and we were from different generations. Not to mention that he was from Pittsburgh and I was from the San Francisco area. Worlds apart.

Moving on, I felt dead in the water. I needed to start over. Back to the drawing board, as my mother would say. I started looking at the online dating matches again. I was contacted by two men this week. One was an initial blurb. Hmmm....I thought I had already 'blurbed' this one. Why are we back to blurbing again? Does he not remember that I've answered his blurb before? But he looks like he's a lot of fun and I am somewhat interested in meeting him. He's a teacher and went into teaching rather late in life. He actually looks silly. I like silly. Sort of.

The other contact was an 'iffy' one, one I had considered not answering at all. Ah, but I need practice. I will practice even though I'm not attracted to this one. Plus he's a pilot and that might be interesting as long as he doesn't take me glider riding under a hot canopy like Bill did. Wow! I almost didn't make it to the sickness bag that day. The lesson learned there was definitely not to eat an avocado sandwich on the runway.

Dear John

The date on Saturday seemed to be a good 'get-to-know-you' one for me. It was about my speed. He was the good-looking one. I have been prepared to mess up my first number of dates and I didn't know if I wanted to try this good-looking guy so soon. It goes with the territory of someone who hasn't dated in twenty-three years and wasn't good at it twenty-three years ago. I could underimpress a date then, and I think I still have the knack for it now, too. There is much for me to learn. I decided that one of the things I would start doing was write a little thank you after I met someone. So on Sunday I remembered to do that for my Saturday guy. I was okay to move ahead with him at my snail's pace. Unfortunately, this guy was ready to get into a relationship and found that relationship in the woman he dated on Saturday evening. This morning I got a reply. He basically said that he had enjoyed meeting me but that he had had a better connection with the woman that evening, that they had gotten together on Sunday, that they are going to have a relationship, and would I please delete him from my matches. Ouch, a little.

Reflection: I don't warm up fast. I'm not ready for a relationship and I don't try very hard to win over a guy when we go out. I'm out there trying to figure out how to date. This is school to me. Dating is NOT like riding a bike. There's a new set of skills involved now, not only because of my age but because of the computer age and how its revolutionized dating.

Question: Will I change this---or develop some dating skills--- when, and IF, I decide I want to enter into a relationship with someone?

Reflection: I have walls up. I am cautious.

Question: This is a necessary thing for me right now. I am not ready to jump into a relationship. Is this a good thing? And more importantly, do I have control over this?

Reflection: Even the handsome one on Saturday didn't start to light my fire. He looked old to me.

Question: Do they not light my fire because I think they look old? Do I look old to them?

Question: When will someone look physically interesting to me?

Reality Check: I am much older than I was the last time I dated. I am old. Naked bodies are going to look strange. Will I ever get naked with anyone again? Will how they look matter? Can I remember what it's like to fall in love and be crazy over a guy and not care about the physical details? Neither one of my husbands had particularly hot bodies. They weren't gross by any means but they weren't hunks either and I sure enjoyed their bodies. Should I care about any of this right now?

Date #2

Saturday afternoon brought date #2. We also went for a bike ride. I guess I made it pretty clear in my dating profile that I like to go bike riding down at the beach. This one met me at the pier. He didn't have a bike with him; he doesn't have a rack on his car. He is 62, younger than my last husband by a few years, but much older than any first date I've ever had. He was handsome, in a sixty-two-year-old kind of way: tall, plenty of salt and pepper hair, good teeth, could walk by himself, didn't wear glasses. (I'm laughing so hard right now. I crack myself up.)

He rented a bike and we rode north. He didn't adjust his seat so he was shorter than I. Again, he was a good talker. He asked meaningful questions and listened to my answers. I thought about what moment I would take to tell him I had lied about my age on the profile. That moment never came for me. Why would I, a woman who tells her five-year-old students her age, suddenly be ashamed of it? This must be a part of me that's insecure. I am afraid of being written off by prospective beaus as being too old. I'm too energetic for the general pool of sixty-year-old males. I am still in a quandary.

We rode to the north end of the bike path and stopped for some water. We sat on the retaining wall in the sun, looked out at the waves and talked some more. Then he said, "I have some bad news. Over a week ago I made a date with another woman on the dating site and forgot about it." Actually I can't remember what he really said about when he made the date or what part of it he did or did not forget. The gist of it was that he had made a date with someone two hours north of here and was going to need to get back on the road in about an hour. I was really ok with that.

It was a pleasant afternoon. I enjoyed his company and he has a good mind. I don't have any read on what kind of person he is. He believes in God, regularly attends his local Catholic church, never questioned his faith, is well-traveled, owns his own home, has just phased out of one part of his professional life and is looking forward to what he'll do next. He just got back from a big trip halfway around the world. His former boss took him and some other former executives, and that boss wants him to help start up a new company with him in China. In the meantime, he is dong a major remodel on his home. He's interesting and smart and I could get along with him really well. Just as soon as I tell him how old I really am.

First Date

Sunday was the day I finally went on my first 'date' in twenty-three years. I had worked hard to psych myself up for it. I wasn't going to be nervous, I wasn't going to stress over whether or not there was 'chemistry' or whether or not there was going to be physical contact. I remember that in college I was almost freaky about being touched. I didn't like it. I had some real boundaries around my body. I always have.

We met on the bridge over the creek at the beach. He was there ahead of me. He looked just as I had expected him to look. He was open and friendly. He talked a lot. There were no awkward silences. We rode down to my favorite place and had lunch. He's a very serious bike rider. He rides to work, puts his bike on the train, takes big rides all around the entire metropolitan area. He rides a mountain bike and doesn't wear much biking gear. He sometimes doesn't wear his helmet. I hope he does when he's riding the streets. I can understand how he can not wear it on the beach bike path.

He has been divorced for many years and lives next to his two children, his ex and her new husband. He relocated from another part of the country to be near them. He is very attached to them and is just beginning to pursue dating. So, despite having been divorced for a long time, I think he's new at this dating thing too.

I enjoyed myself. I'm a good listener and I usually remember what people tell me. It was a very beautiful and pleasant afternoon. The weather was perfect. We parted by the airport and hugged. I thanked him for having the courage to be my first date in twenty-three years, that I had enjoyed myself, and that I hoped we could do it again. And when I got home I didn't cry. I didn't have even the urge to cry.

I think I'm gonna be okay in some of this dating.