Almost a First Date

So with four steps accomplished, the inevitable is next: meet up and see if you 'click'.

In my four steps, the third one is the best. It's the one where you answer open-ended questions. I write my questions rather than choose them from the list provided by the dating service. The deal-breaker question I ask is this: "I haven't been on a date in twenty-three years. How do you feel about that?" One person wrote a great answer. He said," I don't know that you'd be any less uncomfortable on your first date than I have been on the last one hundred dates." I think I understand what he's saying.

Tomorrow is my first face-to-face with a match. This person seems nice. We've had a couple of emails and a ten-minute phone conversation. He just meets the minimum height requirement and is about my age. Of course he thinks we're close in age, and we are, but I haven't told him how old I really am.

I thought that my first couple of match meetings would be things I'd blow. I am prepared to blow this one. I don't have the confidence to think I could walk into my first dating situation and do a good job. It defies the odds.

Four Steps

For the first three weeks, all I did was stare at the names and photos of my 'matches'. The first batches met my requirements. They were all Christian and they all lived within 30 miles or so of me. As more time went by, the matches started breaking my minimum requirements. My matches were starting to become quite geographically undesirable. Some of them lived over 120 miles away. I'm not THAT interested in finding a date.

Finally, on the fourth week, I responded to someone. He didn't want to re-enroll in the dating service and had sent me his personal email address during the first week. Then I threw out some of the first of the four steps to some of the others. Answer 5 multiple choice questions, send my 'must have's and can't stands', send three open-ended questions, and finally step #4: send an email. Finally, and I'm not there yet, talk on the phone. Right now I am on the fourth step with one guy and the third with two others.

There are some prospective dates from whom I have not received an answer. Maybe they triaged me out. I'll survive. I have a lot to learn about dating. The dating I did in college was vastly different. And back then, all I ever worried about was getting pregnant.

Minimum Requirements

Well, I signed up with the online dating service,did the copious amounts of answering before I was considered 'finished'. The 'matches' started coming fast and furious. There were twenty-something the first day and the number grew to over 70 in time. My friend, J, said the additional 'matches' were from men who were signing up as time went by.

Then I started sifting through the pile. I had fibbed about my age because I look a lot younger than I am. And I remembered from my high school reunion that a lot of the guys looked pretty bad, pretty old. Five people were using canes and one looked like Santa Claus. After lying about my age, I tried to go back into my profile to change it but I couldn't. Despite that, I am not interested in dating someone close to ten years younger than I am. So I decided on an age limit. I won't go out with anyone who is more than 7 years younger than I or more than 8 years older. That's a decent age spread. The online dating service, however, was matching me with men who are 17 years older than I said I am. Wow! That's like grandma and grandpa.

The other requirement I have is for height. They cannot be less than two inches taller than I. I don't really wear heels but I don't want to date anyone who might possibly have a short-man's complex. 5'8" is my absolute shortest.

There are some other requirements. I won't know the answers to some of these until we meet. They are: job, security, connection to exes, and overall financial stability. It is imperative that whoever it is can support himself, pay his own bills, and have his own retirement funds. I don't want renters either.

The type of work they do is also important. I don't want any Amway salesmen or realtors. I'm not thrilled about insurance salesmen either.

Then there are sports. I am limited in my athletic abilities, I don't care for winter sports, and I get terribly seasick. I also refuse to play any sports where I have to chase little balls. That cuts out: skiing, sailing, tennis, golf, and sailing/boating. Now I'm limiting myself but I can't help it. I'm also allergic to cats. And then there's NASCAR. Don't make me sit in bleachers and watch cars going around and around and around while spewing horrible fumes into the air.

There are my minimum requirements. Here we go!

Signing Up

I signed up. I signed up online to go into the dating world. How safe is that? I feel very safe, safe enough to stare at profiles and photos, triage out certain guys and then write to others. Or just walk away from the computer. This type of dating works for me. So far.

The actual signing up took a long time. I had to fill out all kinds of questions about myself, my wants, my personality, my dislikes, my 'must haves' and so on. There were times during this process when I felt like I didn't know myself at all. What do I like to do on a Saturday night? Choose A, B, B, or D. A: Go to the theater B: Go to a professional sporting event, C: Stay in and have a nice dinner with friends or D: watch TV or rent a movie for a romantic evening. Well, it depends on how I feel. I like all of the choices. Some days I'd prefer one over another. But some evenings I'm tired. Some evenings I'm feeling adventurous. It all depends.

And then I lied about my age. Wow! That's not like me. I even tell my students how old I am. But this time I got chicken. I contacted my online-dating maven friend. She fibs about her age by two years. I fibbed by five. I told her; she was skeptical. Five was too much. A week later I decided I wanted to change the age and be honest. Apparently the site doesn't allow for that kind of a change. So, I am still on there five years younger than I really am.

What is the number one quality I look for in a mate? How do I answer that? I used to think it was intelligence. Then I thought it was a good sense of humor. When I got together with my college roommate last fall, our conversation helped me realize that all my college boyfriends were cute. That is a hidden deal-breaker for me. They have to be decent looking. Then I thought maybe it was honesty. Then integrity. What's the truth? The truth is that it's a combination of many things. But I did put down that I would date absolutely no gamblers.

But before I could be activated on the website, I had to post some pictures of myself. I had a difficult time finding pictures of me alone. I came up with three. I posted them. The one that pops up as my profile is okay but I don't have any make-up on. It's what gives them their first impression. I must find better!

After All These Years

Oddly enough, it's been over 23 years since I last had a date. The last time I was single, I basically dated only the man who became my second husband. I had about six other dates during that time. I had somewhat serious dates with two other men. They never became anything that I thought would last. Plus, I was in love with Bill. I thought he was the love of my life.

Now we are getting a divorce. We should have ended the marriage many years earlier but we had a daughter and I wanted her to be raised in the stability of a two-parent home. Having two parents in the home, in my opinion, provides a feeling of security, especially if there is no palpable tension between the parents. And I still loved Bill. We had some good things going for us.

But a few years ago, thinking that my father was going to pass away soon, we moved him into our home. He was weak, suffered from congestive heart failure and had a raging infection that had made him temporarily delirious. He was clearly incapable of living by himself, and the care he would require in an assisted living facility was prohibitive. We emptied his two homes, had an estate of many of his possessions, sold his car, got a caregiver for him.

Then Bill was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He had already been diagnosed with coronary heart disease and had had a triple bypass, he had bipolar disorder, and late-onset diabetes. Ah, we thought, he's gonna go fast because this is a particularly deadly form of cancer.

A few months later he was jockeying to have my dad either removed from the house or pay us $6000 to continue living with us. Two days before our wedding anniversary he called to say that ----fyi and he didn't want to keep lying to me---- he was gambling, always had been, always would be, and that's just the way it was. Gambling had been a thorn in our marriage early on. I guessed it was coming back. Actually, I realized it had never gone away. That would explain where his social security was going. I asked for some security to hedge against any damage that might occur; he said there was no need. He didn't like my suggestion that we get a divorce on paper and he sign over the assets to me. We got divorced.

So now I am ready to date again after all these years.