Old Flame

I want to wish you a very, very Happy Birthday. I hope you have a GREAT time this weekend. I would like to take you to lunch for your Bday - please let me know when you might be available. Let's do some margaritas. Take care and once again - have a great weekend. Let's see, hmmmmm, this looks like a sweet email, doesn't it? In fact, it is. It comes from one with whom I had a fling back in 1986. His sister recently told him I was divorced and he called me up. Right away. On the phone on my desk in the classroom. He wanted to take me out for lunch to congratulate me on my retirement. We met at a little Mexican place near my house. He lives way out in the West Valley almost an hour away from here. He comes over to this area a lot, he says, on business and to see family. He lives in a big house, belongs to a country club where he plays lots and lots of tennis and golf. He also has a big wife. Big wife. At the end of our very friendly lunch, he mentioned that his marriage is not going well, that they talk of getting a divorce, they just don't get along anymore. I knew this was coming. He had been quite the playboy back in the day. He knew how to move fast. I think he is largely out of practice but I do think he was trying to feel me out to see if I would perk up when he told me his marriage isn't going well. But, no, thank you, I won't be participating. He isn't a man I would have another affair with, even if he were single. I could go out with him because I enjoy his company but I could never be intimate with him again, and he would fully expect me to go to bed with him. So I must find a nice but clear way to respond to his email telling him I am uncomfortable going out with him because he is married. I don't know how to do that, and it's been a week since I got his email.

Not Dating YOU

This dating thing has been something I discovered can be left by the wayside. I don't feel compelled to date. At least not now. That said, I have had encounters with the opposite sex. The last online dating service person I met was last August, almost ten months ago now. I thought I would try meeting a person who was somewhat geographically undesirable and perhaps not too dashing in the looks department. He was a choral singer, went to church, rode bikes. I thought I'd really get on well with him. We met. We had coffee. I let him buy (that's hard for me to do) and we chatted quite well for two hours. I can't explain it but when we were leaving, I could tell that no spark had been lit. Not for me. Not for him. At that point I was tired of the online thing. My subscription was running out, and I was fine to let it die a quiet death. About three months ago my closest friend fixed me up with a new friend of hers. We hit it off right away. There was an instant connection on the intellectual and humor level. He does some teaching. I teach. He was into wine and was a bit of a foodie. That didn't appeal much to me but I enjoyed his company and the witty reparte. Like a lot of funny people, though, this fellow has a very dark, almost depressed side. He has health problems and lines up his pills next to his plate at breakfast. He has high blood pressure for which he takes an annoying diuretic and he takes medications for late-onset diabetes. It was clear to me this guy does not take care of his body and isn't too interested in exercise. He said he belongs to a gym. The evidence is not apparent. He is disappointed with where his life is right now, thinks he'll have to work until he dies, is angry with himself for not having put away more money for his retirement, and regrets not having made a better life for himself. Since he teaches in a private school, he isn't vested in the teachers' retirement system and has only Social Security to count on when he gets old enough. He is terribly resentful of me retiring. I have to be careful not to mention it too much in his presence. But the worst with him was when I told him I aspired to learn French and go teach the children of the people in the French-speaking 'people circuses' that tour the world. He said, "That's too hard. Give up on that. They'll never hire you. They're going to hire someone from Montreal. You'll never get a job there." Guess I won't be dating you anymore.

Daft

The online dating service seems to be getting more active again. I wonder if they are offering a special this month like 'June is for Lovers' or 'Get an Early Start on Summer Love'. Maybe this month is free. Who knows? But I have gotten some requests for information, little icebreakers and multiple-choice questions from some men. Do I want to meet a guy from Las Vegas? (He ballroom dances....) Do I want to date a 66-year-old truck driver from the valley? (You know, the place where they acquitted the officers who beat Rodney King...) Do I want to answer questions from a dude who looks like he used to be a chick? Do I want to date a 74-year-old from the northern part of the state, a mere 5-hour drive from here?

Then there was Wednesday evening. We went to a comedy night fundraiser. It was inexpensive, thankfully, and the comics were great. One in particular used to be a kindergarten teacher in Nebraska and told some great kindergarten stories. It was as if I were up there. He said so much of what I experience in the classroom. And he was the best one there. We were howling. But then he started in on jokes about his 90-year-old mother. It was too perfect! After the show he came over to talk to me. He was hitting on me; I knew it. But I was a moron! He wanted to connect. He wanted to get to know me. And what did I do? I don't remember, but I blew it. I just let a really fun opportunity go. I dropped the proverbial ball. And so for the past two days I've been thinking of all the things I could have said to make it happen. I could have said, "Wow! We were talking and we think you'd fit right in at our house". OR when he said, "I want to connect with more teachers like you." I could have said, "I think that's a great idea. I'm right across the street. Come on over during school some day and you can get loads of material in my classroom." But no, I dropped the ball. I told him how much I had enjoyed his stand-up and how much we had in common. He had to ask me my name. I'm a dolt. Blew it. A guy I think I could have a great time with and I blew it. Lord have mercy on me and my ineptitude.

It's been a while

It's been a while since my brief foray into dating. I have been contacted by a couple of men on the online dating site but haven't answered. I see that men who contact me seem to be a lot older than I am. At first, it seemed extremely creepy. I have gotten more comfortable with the idea. I believe men my age are looking for women much younger.

This weekend my daughter's boyfriend's grandmother suggested I date her son. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea since my daughter and his son were likely to get married and, if our 'dating' didn't work out, it would make for a lifetime of awkward family get-togethers. She eventually got that, and also discovered I am seven years older than her son.

The next day she told me she has a friend she'd like to fix me up with. He's healthy, wealthy, fun, adventurous and loves to travel. But he went to high school with her first husband. That puts him in the mid-seventies. She'll give him my number. We'll see how it goes.

Kyle said he heard the guy's a tightwad. That part won't work at all. I'm the only one who gets to be a tightwad right now. I have good reason. I don't have money.

May 15

Am I ready to start kissing frogs again? I've gotten some messages from men on the online dating service over the past months. I've hit the 'delete' key. But over the past couple of days I've felt slightly like responding instead of deleting. Today I answered a couple.

I am once again thinking I just want to date and not get serious. Am I ready to handle it if I meet someone and he never contacts me again? I worry about whether or not I have the strength to pursue dating but then I forget that I also need to be strong enough to handle what may look like rejection.

Can I do it?

Thought I Was Off the Radar

As time has gone by, I have become more and more sure of my decision to step away from dating for a while. I will reenter the arena later as a sixty-year-old, I will change my age on my profile so I won't be lying about it anymore, and I (hopefully) will have unlocked my emotions. I had forgotten how much I liked not having a man in my life in a romantic capacity.

I purchased a six-month membership to the online dating service, and continue to receive new 'matches' daily. I look, I ponder, I delete. I am not really intrigued by any of them. This is now leading me to understand that my criteria for choosing men have got to change. I don't disagree with my former 'deal-breakers': no gamblers, no one under 5'8", no renters, no non-Christians, no one 'between jobs'. The handsome one was 'between jobs' but he was okay because he was not in financial straits and had many viable job prospects. He was, for that reason though, sort of 'iffy'. Some men look like possibilities and I let their 'matches' go without deleting them. I figure if these particular guys contact me, I'll write back. When men I don't feel intrigued with contact me, I just don't answer. As for the criteria, I don't know what they'll be. I'll have to read profiles carefully and decide what it is in the writing, in the choice of stock answers and what's important to them, that I will have to use to decide whether or not a man is going to be worth a date. I can't go by looks anymore.

I forgot though, that there was another 'match' who already had my phone number but thought that since I had ignored his last message that maybe he wouldn't call again. He called again. I talked with him but my week was all booked up tight. He said he was a pilot in his profile, and I have found out that is technically true. But he doesn't fly now. As a matter of fact, he teaches flying and is temporarily grounded for health reasons. What could those reasons be? I put my money on an angioplasty. He'll call again. Maybe I'll meet with him to try out the new approach: show up for the first meeting in a dress and make it a coffee date only. After all, this online dating experience is supposed to be more for me to learn how to date again than it is for me to find another 'Mr. Right'. If I meet 'Mr. Right', great. If I don't, I don't.

Let's Overanalyze

Here we go. Just a plain old post revealing all of my insecurities. Let's overanalyze what has happened on my two dates:

When I met the handsome one I showed up in my biking clothes and on my bike. But maybe I wasn't playing the game right. Maybe I was supposed to show up all primped AS IF I MIGHT go for a bike ride and then maybe the date would have really been a walk on the pier and a cup of coffee. As I approached him, there was a look. He said something kind about me being all decked out in bike riding clothes. Although he is definitely an experienced dater and can hide his reactions, I think there was a point there where he was giving me some kind of test and I wasn't passing. As well as having a dress shirt on and tucked in, his hair was such that I thought it would never move, no matter how windy it got. Another thing that happened was he said the only woman the online dating service had given him in his area turned out to be very old, about ten years older than the photo she had posted, and he was very disappointed with her. I said something about how I had tried to choose pictures that weren't deceptive but that I had had trouble finding pictures of me by myself. He made some strange sound but didn't really say words, and that made me feel like there was maybe something in my photos that was misleading. I have looked at the pictures again and am wondering. I am very photogenic, and this is maybe something that is working against me now. If I look great in pictures but not so good in person, then men are going to expect something more gorgeous than they get. Am I overanalyzing?

Then there's the emotional piece: I am still emotionally locked up. Can I change this? Am I not ready? Do I send off that 'I'm-really-not-ready' vibe? When my first marriage was falling apart I unknwoingly sent out the 'I'm-not-happy-in-my-marriage' vibe, men starting asking me out, and I was surprised. Why were these men suddenly asking me out? I was married. I was sending some kind of message and I didn't even realize it. Did I send the other message when I was on my two dates?

I think the men I am being matched with might also be getting matched with women in their forties. I believe that puts me at a distinct disadvantage. I don't have any problem with other women in their fifties but don't feel I'm a match for women over ten years younger than I. If this is true, what do I do? I can change myself but not others. How can I change myself if I am to return to this type of dating and then be thrown in the mix with women in their forties?

I will take some more time off from online dating to try to figure out the nuances of this new style of courting. And maybe in a month or so...or so....or so...I will be ready to try again. In the meantime I will try to prepare as best I can. My online-dating maven friend told me a couple of things: 1)There's some fine print on the agreement for the online dating service that says your divorce has to be final before you join them. Oooops. 2)Whoever I end up with, whoever is 'right' for me, won't care about how old I am.

You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find Mr. Right but right now I'm feeling like a bit of a toad.