Daft

The online dating service seems to be getting more active again. I wonder if they are offering a special this month like 'June is for Lovers' or 'Get an Early Start on Summer Love'. Maybe this month is free. Who knows? But I have gotten some requests for information, little icebreakers and multiple-choice questions from some men. Do I want to meet a guy from Las Vegas? (He ballroom dances....) Do I want to date a 66-year-old truck driver from the valley? (You know, the place where they acquitted the officers who beat Rodney King...) Do I want to answer questions from a dude who looks like he used to be a chick? Do I want to date a 74-year-old from the northern part of the state, a mere 5-hour drive from here?

Then there was Wednesday evening. We went to a comedy night fundraiser. It was inexpensive, thankfully, and the comics were great. One in particular used to be a kindergarten teacher in Nebraska and told some great kindergarten stories. It was as if I were up there. He said so much of what I experience in the classroom. And he was the best one there. We were howling. But then he started in on jokes about his 90-year-old mother. It was too perfect! After the show he came over to talk to me. He was hitting on me; I knew it. But I was a moron! He wanted to connect. He wanted to get to know me. And what did I do? I don't remember, but I blew it. I just let a really fun opportunity go. I dropped the proverbial ball. And so for the past two days I've been thinking of all the things I could have said to make it happen. I could have said, "Wow! We were talking and we think you'd fit right in at our house". OR when he said, "I want to connect with more teachers like you." I could have said, "I think that's a great idea. I'm right across the street. Come on over during school some day and you can get loads of material in my classroom." But no, I dropped the ball. I told him how much I had enjoyed his stand-up and how much we had in common. He had to ask me my name. I'm a dolt. Blew it. A guy I think I could have a great time with and I blew it. Lord have mercy on me and my ineptitude.

It's been a while

It's been a while since my brief foray into dating. I have been contacted by a couple of men on the online dating site but haven't answered. I see that men who contact me seem to be a lot older than I am. At first, it seemed extremely creepy. I have gotten more comfortable with the idea. I believe men my age are looking for women much younger.

This weekend my daughter's boyfriend's grandmother suggested I date her son. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea since my daughter and his son were likely to get married and, if our 'dating' didn't work out, it would make for a lifetime of awkward family get-togethers. She eventually got that, and also discovered I am seven years older than her son.

The next day she told me she has a friend she'd like to fix me up with. He's healthy, wealthy, fun, adventurous and loves to travel. But he went to high school with her first husband. That puts him in the mid-seventies. She'll give him my number. We'll see how it goes.

Kyle said he heard the guy's a tightwad. That part won't work at all. I'm the only one who gets to be a tightwad right now. I have good reason. I don't have money.

May 15

Am I ready to start kissing frogs again? I've gotten some messages from men on the online dating service over the past months. I've hit the 'delete' key. But over the past couple of days I've felt slightly like responding instead of deleting. Today I answered a couple.

I am once again thinking I just want to date and not get serious. Am I ready to handle it if I meet someone and he never contacts me again? I worry about whether or not I have the strength to pursue dating but then I forget that I also need to be strong enough to handle what may look like rejection.

Can I do it?

Thought I Was Off the Radar

As time has gone by, I have become more and more sure of my decision to step away from dating for a while. I will reenter the arena later as a sixty-year-old, I will change my age on my profile so I won't be lying about it anymore, and I (hopefully) will have unlocked my emotions. I had forgotten how much I liked not having a man in my life in a romantic capacity.

I purchased a six-month membership to the online dating service, and continue to receive new 'matches' daily. I look, I ponder, I delete. I am not really intrigued by any of them. This is now leading me to understand that my criteria for choosing men have got to change. I don't disagree with my former 'deal-breakers': no gamblers, no one under 5'8", no renters, no non-Christians, no one 'between jobs'. The handsome one was 'between jobs' but he was okay because he was not in financial straits and had many viable job prospects. He was, for that reason though, sort of 'iffy'. Some men look like possibilities and I let their 'matches' go without deleting them. I figure if these particular guys contact me, I'll write back. When men I don't feel intrigued with contact me, I just don't answer. As for the criteria, I don't know what they'll be. I'll have to read profiles carefully and decide what it is in the writing, in the choice of stock answers and what's important to them, that I will have to use to decide whether or not a man is going to be worth a date. I can't go by looks anymore.

I forgot though, that there was another 'match' who already had my phone number but thought that since I had ignored his last message that maybe he wouldn't call again. He called again. I talked with him but my week was all booked up tight. He said he was a pilot in his profile, and I have found out that is technically true. But he doesn't fly now. As a matter of fact, he teaches flying and is temporarily grounded for health reasons. What could those reasons be? I put my money on an angioplasty. He'll call again. Maybe I'll meet with him to try out the new approach: show up for the first meeting in a dress and make it a coffee date only. After all, this online dating experience is supposed to be more for me to learn how to date again than it is for me to find another 'Mr. Right'. If I meet 'Mr. Right', great. If I don't, I don't.

Let's Overanalyze

Here we go. Just a plain old post revealing all of my insecurities. Let's overanalyze what has happened on my two dates:

When I met the handsome one I showed up in my biking clothes and on my bike. But maybe I wasn't playing the game right. Maybe I was supposed to show up all primped AS IF I MIGHT go for a bike ride and then maybe the date would have really been a walk on the pier and a cup of coffee. As I approached him, there was a look. He said something kind about me being all decked out in bike riding clothes. Although he is definitely an experienced dater and can hide his reactions, I think there was a point there where he was giving me some kind of test and I wasn't passing. As well as having a dress shirt on and tucked in, his hair was such that I thought it would never move, no matter how windy it got. Another thing that happened was he said the only woman the online dating service had given him in his area turned out to be very old, about ten years older than the photo she had posted, and he was very disappointed with her. I said something about how I had tried to choose pictures that weren't deceptive but that I had had trouble finding pictures of me by myself. He made some strange sound but didn't really say words, and that made me feel like there was maybe something in my photos that was misleading. I have looked at the pictures again and am wondering. I am very photogenic, and this is maybe something that is working against me now. If I look great in pictures but not so good in person, then men are going to expect something more gorgeous than they get. Am I overanalyzing?

Then there's the emotional piece: I am still emotionally locked up. Can I change this? Am I not ready? Do I send off that 'I'm-really-not-ready' vibe? When my first marriage was falling apart I unknwoingly sent out the 'I'm-not-happy-in-my-marriage' vibe, men starting asking me out, and I was surprised. Why were these men suddenly asking me out? I was married. I was sending some kind of message and I didn't even realize it. Did I send the other message when I was on my two dates?

I think the men I am being matched with might also be getting matched with women in their forties. I believe that puts me at a distinct disadvantage. I don't have any problem with other women in their fifties but don't feel I'm a match for women over ten years younger than I. If this is true, what do I do? I can change myself but not others. How can I change myself if I am to return to this type of dating and then be thrown in the mix with women in their forties?

I will take some more time off from online dating to try to figure out the nuances of this new style of courting. And maybe in a month or so...or so....or so...I will be ready to try again. In the meantime I will try to prepare as best I can. My online-dating maven friend told me a couple of things: 1)There's some fine print on the agreement for the online dating service that says your divorce has to be final before you join them. Oooops. 2)Whoever I end up with, whoever is 'right' for me, won't care about how old I am.

You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find Mr. Right but right now I'm feeling like a bit of a toad.

Not Ready?

As the last two weeks have gone by I have had no interest in pursuing this online dating thing. Since February 27 I have gone out with two men and neither has contacted me again. I have wondered if that meant they didn't enjoy my company. I'm not sure. A third man and I got to the point of talking on the phone. I didn't have a great vibe from him and was thinking that I would be forcing myself if I attempted to meet him. He called when I was with high school friends and I didn't answer. He left a message. I never called back. I'm not really sure if the handsome one really found a match on his date after mine but he had been quite candid with me and I think he's honest. I feel certain, though, that most of the other women out there are looking for something more intimate and more immediate than I. When I look at my friend who is so active on online dating, I see how she puts herself out there talking, flirting and laughing. I don't put that much into it. This, in short, means that there is competition out there and if I want to date or meet new men I had better get myself in gear. I can't change what they bring to the 'date' but I can examine and change my own behavior.

Getting myself in gear might be the problem. I have discovered that I can't force myself to date if my innerself (for lack of a better term) isn't ready. My two dates have been half-hearted but by no means rude or unpleasant. I haven't been cold. But I have walls around me. I explained this to my therapist this week. I told her how the bike riding is safe. We ride side-by-side and talk all the time but my bike creates this bubble of space for me, and I exist in that bubble as if I am sitting and talking on the phone. I make eye contact. I smile. But I feel like I am trapped inside. I can't reach out. I am locked up and can't get free. I told my therapist I was wondering if maybe I'm not ready yet to do this dating thing. She said, You're not ready." Stamp of approval. What do I do now?

Am I Ready?

I spoke with the pilot. The sound of his voice somehow didn't give me a warm feeling. It gave me kind of a feeling like he was old and dull. Ah, but we're the same age. While we were talking I got called by the kids to go extreme bowling and I had to hang up. The next night he called but I was with friends from high school so I didn't answer. He left a message. I didn't call back. I've lost my nerve. What is going on in the back of my mind now? This reminds me a bit of high school, when I would be between boyfriends, (and hence the name for this blog). It was like kissing frogs until I would find the next person to be my boyfriend. And then, once I found someone, it would be the difference between night and day. Suddenly all the discomfort of having gone out with guys who were bad fits would vanish, and relief would wash over me. The pilot felt like he was going to be one of the bad fits, and I am not up for it.