Signals

Many, many months ago it occurred to me that I was doing something I had noticed years ago. I was sending non-verbal messages about my availability. When my first marriage was disintegrating, I was suddenly being asked out by men. I declined because I was married. It was so strange to me because this was happening even before I knew I wanted to end the marriage. This time I saw I was doing the opposite. I was trying to force myself to seek out men to date while sending the message I wasn't interested. I could make myself date but I couldn't make myself be interested. On Sunday I woke up in the desert feeling unwell. I didn't put on makeup. And I always wear makeup. That evening, we went to the spa. I was in my bathing suit, my hair was in a ponytail, and I was still wearing no makeup. On top of that, I was getting out of shape. How much rawer could I have looked? The only way I could have been more exposed would have been if I had been nude. As I entered the pool area, a man made prolonged eye contact with me. This was more than just a look. I would have looked back but I was focused on Laura and the baby. A few minutes later I moved to a warmer pool. Another man made contact with me. He was sitting on a lounge chair working on some papers on a clipboard. A few seconds later he got up and turned the jets on. He said he didn't want to see me not enjoying them. Then he got into the pool and started up a conversation with me. I was wondering why. Why when I looked my worst were two men being seemingly attracted to me? And why was this one man, a very attractive one at that, suddenly going out of his way to talk with me? I was perplexed. All I could figure out was that I am now sending out different signals. Maybe I am getting closer to being ready. I don't know. Apparently I never seem to know.

Old Flame

I want to wish you a very, very Happy Birthday. I hope you have a GREAT time this weekend. I would like to take you to lunch for your Bday - please let me know when you might be available. Let's do some margaritas. Take care and once again - have a great weekend. Let's see, hmmmmm, this looks like a sweet email, doesn't it? In fact, it is. It comes from one with whom I had a fling back in 1986. His sister recently told him I was divorced and he called me up. Right away. On the phone on my desk in the classroom. He wanted to take me out for lunch to congratulate me on my retirement. We met at a little Mexican place near my house. He lives way out in the West Valley almost an hour away from here. He comes over to this area a lot, he says, on business and to see family. He lives in a big house, belongs to a country club where he plays lots and lots of tennis and golf. He also has a big wife. Big wife. At the end of our very friendly lunch, he mentioned that his marriage is not going well, that they talk of getting a divorce, they just don't get along anymore. I knew this was coming. He had been quite the playboy back in the day. He knew how to move fast. I think he is largely out of practice but I do think he was trying to feel me out to see if I would perk up when he told me his marriage isn't going well. But, no, thank you, I won't be participating. He isn't a man I would have another affair with, even if he were single. I could go out with him because I enjoy his company but I could never be intimate with him again, and he would fully expect me to go to bed with him. So I must find a nice but clear way to respond to his email telling him I am uncomfortable going out with him because he is married. I don't know how to do that, and it's been a week since I got his email.

Not Dating YOU

This dating thing has been something I discovered can be left by the wayside. I don't feel compelled to date. At least not now. That said, I have had encounters with the opposite sex. The last online dating service person I met was last August, almost ten months ago now. I thought I would try meeting a person who was somewhat geographically undesirable and perhaps not too dashing in the looks department. He was a choral singer, went to church, rode bikes. I thought I'd really get on well with him. We met. We had coffee. I let him buy (that's hard for me to do) and we chatted quite well for two hours. I can't explain it but when we were leaving, I could tell that no spark had been lit. Not for me. Not for him. At that point I was tired of the online thing. My subscription was running out, and I was fine to let it die a quiet death. About three months ago my closest friend fixed me up with a new friend of hers. We hit it off right away. There was an instant connection on the intellectual and humor level. He does some teaching. I teach. He was into wine and was a bit of a foodie. That didn't appeal much to me but I enjoyed his company and the witty reparte. Like a lot of funny people, though, this fellow has a very dark, almost depressed side. He has health problems and lines up his pills next to his plate at breakfast. He has high blood pressure for which he takes an annoying diuretic and he takes medications for late-onset diabetes. It was clear to me this guy does not take care of his body and isn't too interested in exercise. He said he belongs to a gym. The evidence is not apparent. He is disappointed with where his life is right now, thinks he'll have to work until he dies, is angry with himself for not having put away more money for his retirement, and regrets not having made a better life for himself. Since he teaches in a private school, he isn't vested in the teachers' retirement system and has only Social Security to count on when he gets old enough. He is terribly resentful of me retiring. I have to be careful not to mention it too much in his presence. But the worst with him was when I told him I aspired to learn French and go teach the children of the people in the French-speaking 'people circuses' that tour the world. He said, "That's too hard. Give up on that. They'll never hire you. They're going to hire someone from Montreal. You'll never get a job there." Guess I won't be dating you anymore.