Signals

Many, many months ago it occurred to me that I was doing something I had noticed years ago. I was sending non-verbal messages about my availability. When my first marriage was disintegrating, I was suddenly being asked out by men. I declined because I was married. It was so strange to me because this was happening even before I knew I wanted to end the marriage. This time I saw I was doing the opposite. I was trying to force myself to seek out men to date while sending the message I wasn't interested. I could make myself date but I couldn't make myself be interested. On Sunday I woke up in the desert feeling unwell. I didn't put on makeup. And I always wear makeup. That evening, we went to the spa. I was in my bathing suit, my hair was in a ponytail, and I was still wearing no makeup. On top of that, I was getting out of shape. How much rawer could I have looked? The only way I could have been more exposed would have been if I had been nude. As I entered the pool area, a man made prolonged eye contact with me. This was more than just a look. I would have looked back but I was focused on Laura and the baby. A few minutes later I moved to a warmer pool. Another man made contact with me. He was sitting on a lounge chair working on some papers on a clipboard. A few seconds later he got up and turned the jets on. He said he didn't want to see me not enjoying them. Then he got into the pool and started up a conversation with me. I was wondering why. Why when I looked my worst were two men being seemingly attracted to me? And why was this one man, a very attractive one at that, suddenly going out of his way to talk with me? I was perplexed. All I could figure out was that I am now sending out different signals. Maybe I am getting closer to being ready. I don't know. Apparently I never seem to know.